What’s with validation?

Sometimes, people approach us with a question with an expected answer. When that answer isn’t what they expect, some would tend to go back to the same question but framing it differently. Others though would just let it go.

I spoke with the former yesterday.

No, not spoke, I guess I felt more like grilled. When seconds became minutes, and minutes become hours, I lost it and simply said, “I’m at fault. I should have known from the start. Should have done been more proactive. Should have… should have…”

The validation that my inquisitor desperately wants to bring home I guess is my lackluster comms skills. Not everything can be conveyed in chat bubbles, in emails, in in-app messaging tools.

In my previous JAJournal, I expressed that I have this terribly terrible speech fright. Self-help articles and books often starts with something like, admission is the first step to recovery. I guess, everyone in the office knows this… and I’m not alone. What squeezes the hope out of me is that I feel like I’m in a downward turn. It worsens every time. I fear that my blood can’t carry enough oxygen to my heart when it palpitates when it’s my turn to talk.

And then there’s today. For fear of not making myself clear enough, I went to a great length to over-explain… only to get the question wrong.

Me and my babbling bubble messages.

Today though, I learned this:

• I am bad, really bad, at judging intent.
• I need, badly need, someone to get me thru this, therapist, mentor, guru… because the self-help books may have help other selves but this self is crawling helplessly alone.
• Finding the right people to work with is an unusual circumstance. There’s no better morning than waking up with the thought that the night before was capped productively and the day ahead would be a fruitful endeavor.