These past three days, I am overwhelmingly ruled by the right hemisphere of my brain. And I am glad that my brain, no matter how seldom I use it, nudges me to vent once in a while. My brain, when needed, automatically switches itself to remind me that first and foremost, I need to feel.
What’s with validation?
Sometimes, people approach us with a question with an expected answer. When that answer isn’t what they expect, some would tend to go back to the same question but framing it differently. Others though would just let it go.
I spoke with the former yesterday.
No, not spoke, I guess I felt more like grilled. When seconds became minutes, and minutes become hours, I lost it and simply said, “I’m at fault. I should have known from the start. Should have done been more proactive. Should have… should have…”
The validation that my inquisitor desperately wants to bring home I guess is my lackluster comms skills. Not everything can be conveyed in chat bubbles, in emails, in in-app messaging tools.
In my previous JAJournal, I expressed that I have this terribly terrible speech fright. Self-help articles and books often starts with something like, admission is the first step to recovery. I guess, everyone in the office knows this… and I’m not alone. What squeezes the hope out of me is that I feel like I’m in a downward turn. It worsens every time. I fear that my blood can’t carry enough oxygen to my heart when it palpitates when it’s my turn to talk.
And then there’s today. For fear of not making myself clear enough, I went to a great length to over-explain… only to get the question wrong.
Me and my babbling bubble messages.
Today though, I learned this:
- I am bad, really bad, at judging intent.
- I need, badly need, someone to get me thru this, therapist, mentor, guru… because the self-help books may have help other selves but this self is crawling helplessly alone.
- Finding the right people to work with is an unusual circumstance. There’s no better morning than waking up with the thought that the night before was capped productively and the day ahead would be a fruitful endeavor.
Coming back with a journal cat!
It’s been so looong since I wrote here. I hardly remember what things I wrote about…
But I’m starting a journal. My pen-and-paper journal is more of a private thingy. In this blog’s #JAJournal category, I’m letting you in on some itsy bitsy summary. My pen-and-paper journal though would be juicier (if in case you get to read it, hah!)
What’s my journal about? Fears. Overcoming Fears Journal to be exact.
I have lots of fears. My stage fright is thrice as big as the stage where I would be at. I thought I overcame it already when my immediate boss would bring me along meetings, product demos, and user trainings. At some point, I’d even get to present a module or two.
And then the pandemic hit.
Somehow, I took the backseat again, anxiously re-discovering the art of establishing human connections. The screens and monitors became like whispering walls where my neurotic self would see a smile as an upturned smirk, where a colleague’s pointing out my wrong answer in a Q&A as a hard blow on my self-esteem lurching my confidence barometer 10x lower.
As work becomes more and more virtual, and platforms to support the virtual office becomes a norm, I learned that there’s even a system in asking questions. Before, I was used to posting questions on our messaging platform, but then I was sent to create cards for each question I have… there goes human connection.
Suddenly, I noticed that I can’t anymore again establish meaningful human interactions… my frenzied brain would project a palpitating, stuttering, cowering Jaja even on informal meetings. I have no recourse but to admit that I have a gargantuan fear of speaking to or addressing a group.
But this admission sets me back 100x in my overcoming-stage-fright action plan when responsibilities, anything that relates to public speaking, are offloaded from my tasks. Each and every one has their own matters at hand. They won’t have time to help me subdue my nerves. I get to work more and more on written and technical stuffs. Until my brain can easily conjure diagrams and flowcharts but I have a hard time putting them into words. I can visualize faces and avatars of people I talk to over online meets but I can’t converse with them as natural as I want when I finally meet them face to face.
So this is just one of my fears, and I want to overcome it. As I scoured thru self-help books and articles, I was taught to loosen up my nerves.
One step at a time. I have to calm my jitters. At some point, I would wake up and run all the tasks that I have for the day. And everything are tasks. Even people I work with became tasks. But I hate thinking that people are tasks. Until I got another challenge, to lead a team.
Somehow, every day, I would ask myself, how can I lead when I can’t lord over my speech fright? Am I equipped to be a mentor?
As months go by, I struggled. I took online Team/Project Management courses. The more I learned, the more I become conscious of how little I stack up on leadership skills. I was filling up just one-fourth of the leadership quadrant and nothing else.
I don’t anymore want to “hear” the smirks. I don’t anymore want to “see” my colleagues looking helplessly at each other when I twist the words I want to convey.
When I was assigned a team to lead, I want to dust away the cobwebs of doubt that the team was assigned to me as a courtesy, being one of the more senior employee.
My rock-bottom self-esteem desperately needs a lift. #JAJournal is my journey as I lift myself up, and the people who have taken time to lift me up, whether they know it or not.
Let me start with this video. For about two weeks now, this morning exercise has helped provide a nice welcoming attitude to my day:
When I hate to be right
Eons ago, I hated it when someone would tell me, “I told you so” because that meant I was wrong, and I hated to be wrong. That was how stubborn and proud I was. I still have remnants of those stubbornness and pride. Medyo nagmellow na nga lang. Pero meron pa rin. Gabungkos pa.
Inaamin ko, hay naku, ang yabang ko kaya bata pa lang ako. My thoughts when I was barely even kindergarten was of superiority. Mas magaling ako sa mga kalaro ko. Mas mabilis akong tumakbo sa kanila sa harangang taga. Mas tago ang pwesto ko sa taguan. Mas marami akong bahay sa piko. Mas marami akong mahuhusay na pato sa teks. At pag natatalo ako, o tinutukso ako, naiinis ako agad. In fact, may isa akong pinsan na tinukso ako, parang “manok” o “ulikba” yata, ayun, hinabol ko at binigyan ng right hook. Umiyak! Taas ng pamewang ko nun. Pakiramdam ko, lalaki ako. Kala mo ha! Pero natakot ako nung tumakbo siya na takip-takip yung bibig na may umaagos na dugo. Takbo din ako pauwi. Baka magsumbong. Masisinturon ako tiyak ng ama ko.
Pero di nagsumbong. Di ko alam kung bakit.
And then I started kindergarten. Ay, etsa pwera ako. May mga kaklase akong hindi ko maintindihan ang salita. Nag-iingles. E hindi naman kami kinakausap ng ingles sa bahay. Ang alam ko lang sagutin, “What’s your name?” at “How old are you?” kasi siguro, noong panahon na yon, yun na yun. Ingles na yun. Matalino na ang bata pag nasagot yun. Kinder pa lang, sa harap ng buong klase, naramdaman ko ang inferiority complex. First day ng klase, may tinanong yung titser ko, di ako sumagot kasi hindi ko naintindihan. Nakipagtitigan lang ako. Pakiramdam ko nadismaya siya.
Saka Tagalog talaga kami sa bahay noon. Walang kiyemeng tonong Bulacan. Naalala ko nga, pag pinapagalitan ako ni madir, lagi niyang sinasabi, “Napakalikot na kristyano ka!” At naaalala ko rin, minsan, hindi ko talaga natiis, nagtanong ako, “Inang, ano ba yung kristyano?”
Sa murang edad din na 6, hindi ko alam paano ihahandle yung pakiramdam ng pagiging outcast. Naalala ko, PE, yung titser namin, sabi, “Boys, choose your partners.” Napansin ko na lang, ako yung naiwang walang kapartner o hindi pinili, pero ang inaalo ng titser ko ay yung kaklase kong nagtatantrum kasi hindi niya napili yung gusto niyang partner. At yung isa naman, ayaw pakawalan yung pinili niya. Gusto kong sumigaw, “Andito ako, o! Piliin nyo ko, o!” Pero super timid nga ako nun. Tapos ayun, nadagdagan pa nung alienated feeling na sa PE. Kaya hindi ako excited pumasok noon sa school. Mas gusto ko pang maglaro, kahit tirik na tirik ang katanghaliang araw. Tutal ulikba naman ako.
Pero sa Grade 1, bumilis na akong magbasa. Ah, sobra naman akong naging voracious reader. I devoured all my books. Nung nabasa ko na lahat ng libro ko, I turned to komiks. Naging tambay ako ng komiks stand. That time, hindi yabang pag sumasagot akong alam ko na yung ituturo ng titser kasi nabasa ko na yung mga libro ko kaya ako nagbabasa ng komiks. Naiinis ako nun pag wala akong binabasa.
At nahumaling akong magsulat. Nagsimula sa diary. May crush kasi ako nung Grade 2. Then I turned to poems. Dinala ko sa tula yung ibang emosyon ko. Pag naiinip ako sa lessons, nagiiscribble ako ng rhymes. Pag naiinis, nakatula pa rin.
Nang magkaroon kami ng theme writing, lagi akong nake-carried away kumbaga. Yung ibang mga kaklase ko, nilalakihan yung sulat para mapuno yung isang page. Ako, kulang ang isang page.
Pero ngayon, as much as possible, I would opt to keep my mouth shut. If I need to say something, I want to be succint, straight to the point. Pag hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam. Tipong hintayin mo, aalamin ko. Sometimes, I would be cryptic. Although sa kwentuhan, ah, patagalan tayo. (Mahaba na ba tong kwento ko?)
And there would be times when regardless of good intentions, nakakapagprangka, I would be misunderstood. During those times, I would only explain myself once and simply listen all throughout. Nasanay siguro ako sa ganoon kasi ang ama ko, nabansagang “bakal”. Walang makakabali ng opinyon nya. Wala kang panalo. Hahaba lang ang diskusyong paulit-ulit hanggang mapaos ka na. Sarado daw ang isip. Pero napatunayan kong hindi. Matagal lang magsink-in sa kanya.
Baka kako ganoon din si Pang. BS Aquino III. Baka, this time, makinig siya sa sentiment ng mga pinaglilingkuran niya.
The open letter I wrote to him yesterday morning was one of those sentiments. And this morning, as I catch up with the news and events, I felt anguished. Wala pa naman akong outlet. Kaya heto, blog naman.
Sakto din, nasa chat si utol. “Don’t burden yourself,” sabi niya. “Wala naman talagang maaasahan kay Pnoy… Manhid… Ganyan din nangyari sa Hacienda Luisita” at sabay singit sa pagendorso sa kanyang presidential candidate. Halakhak to the max. Naibsan kahit paano ang sentimyento ko.
Pero ganun pa rin pagkatapos maubos ng tawa, sa huli, naisip ko, tama pala ko, este yung hula.
Kasalanan ng mga militantent grupo, kasalanan ng mga taong nagbibigay boses at sumusuporta sa dinaranas ng mga apektadong magsasaka. Kasalanan na ng marami pang iba, pero hindi ng gubyerno. Walang kasalanan ang gubyerno. Walang kasalanan ang kapulisan. Katunayan nito ang natanggap nilang medalya dahil nasugatan sila sa engkwentro nila laban sa mga kriminal na rallyista.
Tama nga ba ang hula? Hindi papanig ang Pang. BS Aquino III sa mga magsasaka. If it was the right side for him to take, then I can’t blame and I am grateful that there are those who take the left.
Bukas na Liham para kay Pres. BS Aquino III
Mr. President BS Aquino III,
Magandang araw po.
Nakalap na po ba ng mga assistants ninyo ang mga #BigasHindiBala at #BigasHindiDahas sentiments ng mga boss? Kung oo, nabasa na po ba ninyo? Kung nabasa na po, nakakain po ba kayo ng maayos pagkatapos? Kung nakakain naman, nagkamay po ba kayo? Kung nagkamay po kayo, nakapaghugas na po ba kayo ng kamay? O maghuhugas-kamay pa lang?
Sana nabusog po kayo sa inyong mga meals. Kailangan nyo po talaga ng lakas. Kailangang maging maayos ang inyong kalusugan. Kailangang maging matatag ang inyong pagtindig sa harap ng mga boss. Marami pa po ang umaasa na may magagawa kayong mabuti sa huling buwan ninyo sa pwesto. Sulitin nyo po ang mga huling araw ninyo Mr. Pres. BS Aquino III. Ipakita ninyo po sa aming mga tinatawag ninyong BOSS na kahit papatapos na ang inyong termino, kapakanan ng mas nakakaraming maliliit at naghihirap na BOSS ang iniisip ninyo.
Sabi po ng manghuhula sa Quiapo, sasabihin mo raw na hindi kapulisan ang unang nagpaputok. Sasabihin mo raw na kasalanan ito ng mga elemento na ayaw isulong ang peace process sa probinsya.
O mali po yung manghuhula? Parang yung pagkakalito ko na hindi daw Benigno Simeon ang ibig sabihin ng BS sa pangalan nyo po?
Kung totoo naman po yung sabi sa hula, naisip nyo po ba, kahit katiting lang, na baka hula lang talaga iyon? O alibi kaya? Paninira? Panggugulo? Karuwagan? O gusto nyo lang po talaga ng bad publicity para may dahilan po kayo para ipasa ang sisi sa iba?
Mr. Pres. BS Aquino III, bakit nadagdagan na naman po ang nagbuwis ng buhay na nanghihingi lamang ng tulong sa PAGKAIN, LUPA, at HUSTISYA? Mahirap po ba talaga sa inyong kalooban na pagbigyan ang mas nakakaraming boss na nagugutom at naghihirap?
Pagpasensyahan nyo na po ako, Mr. President. Gutom lang po siguro ito. Hindi po kasi ako makakaing mabuti. Hindi ko po alam kung ilang boss na katulad ko ang nawawalan ng ganang kumain sa sinapit ng mga magsasaka sa Kidapawan. Nagsasaka din po kasi ang tatay ko.
Hanggang dito na lang po, Mr. President. Yung BS lang po talaga ang gusto kong itanong, kaso napahaba. Gusto ko po kasing kalimutan ang gutom.
Sumasainyo.
Dyenibib 