Category Archives: Jakulit

I need to feel

These past three days, I am overwhelmingly ruled by the right hemisphere of my brain. And I am glad that my brain, no matter how seldom I use it, nudges me to vent once in a while. My brain, when needed, automatically switches itself to remind me that first and foremost, I need to feel.

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When I hate to be right

Eons ago, I hated it when someone would tell me, “I told you so” because that meant I was wrong, and I hated to be wrong. That was how stubborn and proud I was. I still have remnants of those stubbornness and pride. Medyo nagmellow na nga lang. Pero meron pa rin. Gabungkos pa.

Inaamin ko, hay naku, ang yabang ko kaya bata pa lang ako. My thoughts when I was barely even kindergarten was of superiority. Mas magaling ako sa mga kalaro ko. Mas mabilis akong tumakbo sa kanila sa harangang taga. Mas tago ang pwesto ko sa taguan. Mas marami akong bahay sa piko. Mas marami akong mahuhusay na pato sa teks. At pag natatalo ako, o tinutukso ako, naiinis ako agad. In fact, may isa akong pinsan na tinukso ako, parang “manok” o “ulikba” yata, ayun, hinabol ko at binigyan ng right hook. Umiyak! Taas ng pamewang ko nun. Pakiramdam ko, lalaki ako. Kala mo ha! Pero natakot ako nung tumakbo siya na takip-takip yung bibig na may umaagos na dugo. Takbo din ako pauwi. Baka magsumbong. Masisinturon ako tiyak ng ama ko.

Pero di nagsumbong. Di ko alam kung bakit.

And then I started kindergarten. Ay, etsa pwera ako. May mga kaklase akong hindi ko maintindihan ang salita. Nag-iingles. E hindi naman kami kinakausap ng ingles sa bahay. Ang alam ko lang sagutin, “What’s your name?” at “How old are you?” kasi siguro, noong panahon na yon, yun na yun. Ingles na yun. Matalino na ang bata pag nasagot yun. Kinder pa lang, sa harap ng buong klase, naramdaman ko ang inferiority complex. First day ng klase, may tinanong yung titser ko, di ako sumagot kasi hindi ko naintindihan. Nakipagtitigan lang ako. Pakiramdam ko nadismaya siya.

Saka Tagalog talaga kami sa bahay noon. Walang kiyemeng tonong Bulacan. Naalala ko nga, pag pinapagalitan ako ni madir, lagi niyang sinasabi, “Napakalikot na kristyano ka!” At naaalala ko rin, minsan, hindi ko talaga natiis, nagtanong ako, “Inang, ano ba yung kristyano?”

Sa murang edad din na 6, hindi ko alam paano ihahandle yung pakiramdam ng pagiging outcast. Naalala ko, PE, yung titser namin, sabi, “Boys, choose your partners.” Napansin ko na lang, ako yung naiwang walang kapartner o hindi pinili, pero ang inaalo ng titser ko ay yung kaklase kong nagtatantrum kasi hindi niya napili yung gusto niyang partner. At yung isa naman, ayaw pakawalan yung pinili niya. Gusto kong sumigaw, “Andito ako, o! Piliin nyo ko, o!” Pero super timid nga ako nun. Tapos ayun, nadagdagan pa nung alienated feeling na sa PE. Kaya hindi ako excited pumasok noon sa school. Mas gusto ko pang maglaro, kahit tirik na tirik ang katanghaliang araw. Tutal ulikba naman ako.

Pero sa Grade 1, bumilis na akong magbasa. Ah, sobra naman akong naging voracious reader. I devoured all my books. Nung nabasa ko na lahat ng libro ko, I turned to komiks. Naging tambay ako ng komiks stand. That time, hindi yabang pag sumasagot akong alam ko na yung ituturo ng titser kasi nabasa ko na yung mga libro ko kaya ako nagbabasa ng komiks. Naiinis ako nun pag wala akong binabasa.

At nahumaling akong magsulat. Nagsimula sa diary. May crush kasi ako nung Grade 2. Then I turned to poems. Dinala ko sa tula yung ibang emosyon ko. Pag naiinip ako sa lessons, nagiiscribble ako ng rhymes. Pag naiinis, nakatula pa rin.

Nang magkaroon kami ng theme writing, lagi akong nake-carried away kumbaga. Yung ibang mga kaklase ko, nilalakihan yung sulat para mapuno yung isang page. Ako, kulang ang isang page.

Pero ngayon, as much as possible, I would opt to keep my mouth shut. If I need to say something, I want to be succint, straight to the point. Pag hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam. Tipong hintayin mo, aalamin ko. Sometimes, I would be cryptic. Although sa kwentuhan, ah, patagalan tayo. (Mahaba na ba tong kwento ko?)

And there would be times when regardless of good intentions, nakakapagprangka, I would be misunderstood. During those times, I would only explain myself once and simply listen all throughout. Nasanay siguro ako sa ganoon kasi ang ama ko, nabansagang “bakal”. Walang makakabali ng opinyon nya. Wala kang panalo. Hahaba lang ang diskusyong paulit-ulit hanggang mapaos ka na. Sarado daw ang isip. Pero napatunayan kong hindi. Matagal lang magsink-in sa kanya.

Baka kako ganoon din si Pang. BS Aquino III. Baka, this time, makinig siya sa sentiment ng mga pinaglilingkuran niya.

The open letter I wrote to him yesterday morning was one of those sentiments. And this morning, as I catch up with the news and events, I felt anguished. Wala pa naman akong outlet. Kaya heto, blog naman.

Sakto din, nasa chat si utol. “Don’t burden yourself,” sabi niya. “Wala naman talagang maaasahan kay Pnoy… Manhid… Ganyan din nangyari sa Hacienda Luisita” at sabay singit sa pagendorso sa kanyang presidential candidate. Halakhak to the max. Naibsan kahit paano ang sentimyento ko.

Pero ganun pa rin pagkatapos maubos ng tawa, sa huli, naisip ko, tama pala ko, este yung hula.

Kasalanan ng mga militantent grupo, kasalanan ng mga taong nagbibigay boses at sumusuporta sa dinaranas ng mga apektadong magsasaka. Kasalanan na ng marami pang iba, pero hindi ng gubyerno. Walang kasalanan ang gubyerno. Walang kasalanan ang kapulisan. Katunayan nito ang natanggap nilang medalya dahil nasugatan sila sa engkwentro nila laban sa mga kriminal na rallyista.

Tama nga ba ang hula? Hindi papanig ang Pang. BS Aquino III sa mga magsasaka. If it was the right side for him to take, then I can’t blame and I am grateful that there are those who take the left.

Pwera Usog

Sampung tulog at isa pa… heto na talaga. Totoo na. Pupunta na kong Batanes.

Batanes!

Dream destination.

Naalala ko nang magbook sa PAL Express. Halos isang linggo akong nagpatumpik-tumpik. Araw-araw, pinupuntahan ko yung onlinebooking.philippineairlines.com  at tsinecheck kung magkano ang flights papuntang Basco mula Maynila. Malay lang. Baka biglang magkasale kahit hindi nila inaannounce. Asa pa.

Napansin ko noon, ang budget economy rates ng PAL ay nagbabagu-bago at naglalaro sa pagitan ng P3k+ hanggang P5k+. Kaya, nang bumaba ito ng P3K, binook ko na.

Agad kong kinontak yung isang kaibigan kong atat ding mag-Batanes. Kaso nang gabing yon, hindi daw siya makakunek sa internet. Pabigat talaga minsan ang mga telco. Kung kailan kailangang kailangan. At nangyari nga ang masakit na katotohanan…

Kinabukasan, nasa P5k+ na ulit ang MLA-BSO route, at hindi na muling bumaba ng P3k.

At nanghinayang na ng tuluyan si kaibigan na magpabook.

At nanatili akong nakabook mag-isa. Mula Pebrero hanggang ngayon.

Ganito ako katagal naghintay.

Muntik na akong samahan ng isa pa.

Pero nagatubili din. Naging busy sa pangangampanya.

Ah, sampung tulog na lang at isa pa. Bawal mausog.

Batanes, aking dream destination.

Hindi ka na magiging dream.

The long and short of it…

It’s been a really long while since I wrote short and even shorter stories. Yesterday, I began writing again. I tried hammering out the plot for the third part of Daniel’s Sling. A friend of mine suggested to have it published as an ebook. He said, I have already completed one, and as if jokingly, reminded me of that one completed novel which I lost another long long time ago because of a computer virus and the other novel which got rejected because it was “too good” to become a romance pocketbook. And so, I thrive on being a ghost of a writer.

Yet, somehow, for the longest time, I felt that those two attempts to get my own name on a book cover were signs that I am on a senseless pursuit. I admit. I don’t do well on rejections. It’s not that I can’t get over. It’s just that I have a difficult time getting past them without getting scarred. It’s like recovering from a teenage-ish broken heart.

However, I should know well enough that there is no point to not try harder. If before, I see them as reasons and signs to stop, I guess it’s time to leave no stones unturned. Rekindling the passion that has made me so exuberant and alive before should be on top of my 2014 must-do list.

Which reminds me, I have to sign up for the 19kms extreme white water rafting. I so miss the bounty and beauty of nature.

Meet My Fear

Daily Prompt: Fright Night
| What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I was never scared of frogs. Not until one dark eerie night, a cold clammy little frog jumped out of nowhere and clung at my thighs for Zeus-knows-how-long. I panicked, of course. The long shrilly cry for help didn’t help because I was numbed with fright that no voice came out.

I got rid of it with a branch hanging loosely a few meters from where I initially did my frantic jumps and kicks which I thought would loosen its clingy hold on my leg.

The next day, I got laid down with fever. It lasted for two more days. They said my fever was because of too much fright, of the scary ordeal I had with battling the tiny clingy frog.

My friends were sympathetic.

My close friends were way beyond sympathetic that they would comb tiendesitas and shopping malls for a perfect reminder of my fear: Kerokeroppi items, goods made of frog skin, frog figurines, or any frog-like anything that would make me scream of fright.

Kerokeroppi is fine. But a purse bullfrog with a mouth made to look like it would also swallow your fingers and not just your coins is way too much! And yes, I screamed my head off when I saw it, and ran as far away from it as I could!

They say there’s no point in being frightened of a frog. Should I be afraid of simply walking passed it? I say yes, definitely!

They ask, why be frightened? What if the next one that I will meet is a prince?

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